Do you know that feeling where you really just don’t trust you’re own thoughts? I know I beat myself up over things a lot, but that’s just me! I’ve promised my self recently that I will start to listen to those little niggly feelings! I’m such an emotional person and I hate it sometimes! It makes me feel exactly how I started this blog! Like I can’t trust my own thoughts! So the question here is what am I going to do about this unwanted uninvited feeling? Well I know I can’t just tell it to just disappear! That would be to easy right? I’ve learnt that these thoughts and of course feelings are just that, they aren’t in front of me happening, but they feel like it! So now I’m sat here thinking, am I going to just carry on with life and let those feelings evolve? Or do I grab life by the balls and try to get an answer? Honestly right now I don’t know! And it’s ok! I’m only human and if I rush these things maybe the answer won’t be what I expected. I’m not going to rush because that’s what I would have usually done!
I’m listening to my core today.. not my heart or my head! That deep little feeling you get. I’ve learnt to listen to this as it’s usually right!
I know this time 18 months ago I would have suppressed all of those niggles. And i really regret this! I ended up in a mental health unit in the summer of 2018. I really didn’t know who I was and where I wanted to go! I had the chance to spend a lot of time on my own and that was incredible. It was a scary environment. But it worked for me when I was in there, but coming out everything was just the same. So it felt like all of that I work was just redundant! The important message here is one I’ve resonated through this blog! Don’t ignore the outside factors, because they won’t fix them selves!
I was off work for a really long time because I’d done exactly what I’ve just talked about I ignored the outside factors, I’d literally just became something I didn’t recognise, it affected everything around me, I only really realised this after my marriage ended. I neglected everything around me. I know that it wasn’t all my fault. But I definitely didn’t help!
At the end of 2018 I decided to leave my job of 13 years my marriage was in turmoil. It was coming up to Christmas. I made some bad choices with money and ran myself down! I had a job over in Coventry, I just thought I needed to get back into work. I know now that was a bad choice. It was a management role that I really didn’t get chance to make my own! I’ve waffled on so so much in this blog. I will carry on with this story! It’s long but I know I need to get it out!
Please don’t ignore those niggles. Don’t ignore that deep rooted feeling. Do something about the things you don’t trust are right! Suppressing those feelings can de detrimental. But do it in a way that suits you! Think about how you want to tackle your thoughts and feelings and start that road to recovery.. I’m about 20% there but that’s all right! It’s my recovery. 😀 Lets do this!